DREAMT LAST NIGHT
OF A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING WITH MY BELOVED TALBOT. WE DINED ON A LUSCIOUS, PLUMP YOUNG MAN WHO HAD EATEN NOTHING BUT PUMPKIN PIE FOR MONTHS IN PREPARATION FOR THAT EVENING’S FESTIVITIES.
THEN I AWOKE TO COLD CONCRETE.
ERIC NORTHMAN, I HOPE YOU GAVE THANKS FOR WHAT’S LEFT OF YOUR DESPICABLE LIFE BECAUSE WHEN I ESCAPE I INTEND TO BEHEAD YOU, PLUCK OUT YOUR VITALS, AND STUFF YOU LIKE A FUCKING TURKEY.
DARLING, WHENEVER ARE YOU GOING TO GET FIONA SHAW TO DIG YOU UP OUT OF THAT NASTY FILTH THEN GO DOWN INTO THE SEWERS AND GATHER UP MY REMAINS? REALLY, THIS IS JUST GETTING RIDICULOUS RIGHT NOW.
AND YOU WILL THROW THAT DISGUSTING PAEDOPHILE COAT OUT IMMEDIATELY. LOOK WHAT YOU DEGENERATE INTO WITHOUT ME AROUND TO LOOK AFTER YOU.
AT LEAST I WENT OUT IN A BETTER WAY THAN ALL YOU FUCKERS COULD DREAM OF
LOOK AT ALL THAT THIS DAMN BEAUTY. IT’S TOO MUCH TO BEHOLD - SHIELD YOUR EYES AND SLOWLY DRANK THIS THANG IN LIKE A SHOT OF THAT GOOD WHISKEY SAM HIDES UNDER THE BAR. SHEEEIIIIT. THIS SHOULD BE HUNG IN A MUSEUM SO IT CAN CHILL WITH MONA LISA AND SHIT.
I’M SENDING A CAR TO PICK YOU UP AND BRING YOU TO THE MCMANSION RIGHT NOW
OH HELL YES. I’M TRYING TO BE A KEPT MISSUS LIKE YOU. I NEEDS EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW I CAN BE A ROYAL CONSORT-IN-TRAINING.
OH SWEETHEART, I’D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TEACH YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW. YOU CAN BE MY PETITE PRINCE. I HAVE THE MOST WONDEROUS ANCIENT TREASURES FROM JAPAN TO SHOW YOU.
GOODNIGHT
LOOK AT ALL THAT THIS DAMN BEAUTY. IT’S TOO MUCH TO BEHOLD - SHIELD YOUR EYES AND SLOWLY DRANK THIS THANG IN LIKE A SHOT OF THAT GOOD WHISKEY SAM HIDES UNDER THE BAR. SHEEEIIIIT. THIS SHOULD BE HUNG IN A MUSEUM SO IT CAN CHILL WITH MONA LISA AND SHIT.
I’M SENDING A CAR TO PICK YOU UP AND BRING YOU TO THE MCMANSION RIGHT NOW
MY MCMANSION IS ON THE COVER OF SOUTHERN LIVING. TALBOT WOULD BE SO PROUD.
I AM SO PROUD, DARLING! I ONLY HOPE THEY HAVE GOT MY BLOOD OUT OF THE CARPET. I ESPECIALLY ENJOY MY GUIDED TOUR, AND THE PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE FEW BITS OF FRANKLIN’S BRAINS I DIDN’T BOTHER GIVING BACK TO HIM.
FROM THE DESK OF ERIC NORTHMAN: imboredtakeoffyourclothes: gotyourrugallwet:...
I’M BORED
WHO WANTS TO COME FOR A DINNER PARTY AT THE MCMANSION TONIGHT
I WOULD LIKE TO COME… IF YOU FORGIVE ME FOR THE LITTLE STUNT I PULLED ON YOU A FEW WEEKS AGO…
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK TO…
WELL WELL WELL…
YOU: LESS THAN 200 ME: ALMOST 700/GREEK PRINCE/WARRIOR MY HUSBAND: 3000 YEAR OLD KING THIS WORLD BITCH
YOU: WERE FLUSHED DOWN FANGTASIA’S SEWAGE SYSTEM
MY HUSBAND SAVED YOU FROM THE TRUE DEATH YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE WENCH! AND YOUR CLUB DECOR IS SO TRASHY, I THINK I WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK FROM THE MERE SIGHT OF IT IF MY HEART STILL BEAT! I CAN’T BELIEVE RUSSELL EVEN MENTION FRANCHISING WITH YOU! UGHHH!
LORENA, HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY CUISINE! I HAVE HUNTED ALL OVER THE WORLD FOR THE FINEST BLOOD RECIPES, I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING ONE OF THE GREATEST VAMPIRE GOURMETS TO HAVE EVER LIVED…WELL…DIED. BEEN UNDEAD. HOWEVER, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULDN’T KNOW GOOD TASTE IF IT BEGGED YOU TO BITE IT, SEEING AS YOU’RE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR INFLICTING BILL COMPTON ON ALL OF US.
